Seating still has always been a challenge for me. I have always had to move, I have always had to find something more interesting to do, with my body and mind. I could never seat still, my mind could never seat still. There was always something else to be done, or a new idea or thought, the grass was always greener somewhere else right!
This feeling of always having to search started to interfere deeply in my life. I could not seat still for a conversation with friends, soon you would find me doing pull ups, push ups or abs on the floor. I could not read a book; I had to read 3 or 4 at once. My body truly ached when I stopped moving, my back ached, and I fidget all around.
I still remember the feeling of resentment when one of my teachers ordered me to "meditate everyday for 10 minutes." I am still not sure why, but as painful as it was I knew it was the medicine I needed. I started meditating about 2 mins, 3 mins, 5 mins, and found it to be quite peaceful. When I closed my eyes, time seemed to go by slower. I really had no idea what I was doing. I just knew it FELT so good, so peaceful, to be awake, with my eyes closed, focused on the slow up and down movements of my lungs, the sound of my breath and the sounds around me.
Meditation has been crucial in giving me insight of my thought patterns. It also helps me to calm down., to seat still, and listen. The old patterns have not gone away, I still have 3 books on my bedside table, but I am now aware of it :-)
With gratefulness to my teachers.