Monday, September 10, 2007
What a week! I am back home now reflecting on all the things that happened in Montana. Strangely it already feels like it happened a long time ago. The experience was magical, the place (Feathered Pipe Ranch) the friends I made, the experiences we shared, all the yoga we did, the pipe ceremony, the mountains. Everything was incredible. I definitely feel a very different person, more calm, centered, open. Yet, I am here in our office same walls, same windows, and as I type I listen to my friend Amanda's CD, and remember her beautiful face, and the energy the whole group shared together. Like the Thai people say Same-Same, but different ;-) Ready to face the future Fearing Not! Loving lots!
I hold myself accountable for seeking isolation from the group, and not participating 100% on group activities during break time. I also hold myself accountable for not finishing conversations with certain group members. I understand this to be another isolation method, which prevents me from connecting with the community. I understand this to detrimental to the community, that it keeps me in the circle, and robs the group from my energy and participation. My new behavior is of full participation, 100%.
I hold myself accountable for being too aggressive when confronting certain members on their lies during their Magic Carpet Ride. I understand that I need to curb my passion and be more of an even kill. I understand I need to control my emotions and not let myself be carried on by the moment. I also understand that I need to be compassionate and "put myself on other people's shoes" when speaking. I also understand this to be detrimental to the community and to my growth as a leader. My new behavior is of compassion, humbleness and moderation.
I hold myself accountable for not stepping up to full leadership and bring my team back to the yoga room in a shorter time. I understand this to be detrimental to the community. When my team in so involved on it's own issues, it robs the community from our participation. I also understand this not to be a positive example to my own team mates. My new behavior is of full leadership and accountability.
This week I became aware of how many lies I have created around my childhood and also how heavy the burden of carrying them is. One big lie that has influenced my life is the one that I can only play in the box. The box is the backyard of our house, and playing in it was lonely, not so much fun. I ultimately wanted to play outside with the other kids, but my Mom was concerned that the other kids where not safe, and trustworthy. In the box was safe, I got to play with myself or my sisters. That loyalty and fear keeps me in the box. However outside is a different world, and I so want to play out there. This is a serious tug of war. Interesting are the consequences of this lie. I am never ready to trust a new friend, the guards are always on. I can never sit still for too long, there seems to be always something more interesting out there.
Until this week, I did not have a clear understanding behind the symbolism of the lotus flower and yoga. The lotus flower is the new you, the strong you, who's able to rise above the mud of lies that our ego creates. Our personalities, our ego, starts to define itself really early on, in our childhood. It is at this time that we start to live our lies, inside of this circle our ego is protected. The ego holds on tight to this inner circle, and it's ultimate purpose is to avoid that our real-self succeeds. It holds onto these self created lies in order to protect itself. In my case I had a garbage can full of lies... Here is a sample: I don't need you, I am not good enough, I can't do this, I am a fake, I am not beautiful, I don't belong, I am too powerful, I am a cheater, I know everything, I don't speak clearly, and I could go on. The interesting thing is that most of us don't are not even aware of the works of the ego. Yoga helps us to become aware of this internal chatter and ultimately liberates us from it. Thus the Lotus Flower rising from the mud, which represents the new you liberated from these lies. When we are aware of the ego chat we become stronger, and able to be compassionate to all around us. We stand up tall, and powerful ready to take on new challenges and re-create our future.